A friend recently sent me an article about Anna Karenina. The timing was perfect, partly because I was in the midst of re-reading the book (before seeing the new movie, which I want to see for its fabulous costumes) but also because the writer's point about the idolatry of giving one's entire self over to a person dovetailed with things I've long thought – and have been recently thinking about again – about marriage and children.
Jonathan and I have been married for a little over 9 years. I always felt that if we had kids it would be good and if we didn't it would be good. There has always been a little underlying question there for us, but I wasn’t worried about it. But since we didn’t have children over the years, I especially appreciated the women who got me – who understood my blend of openness to having kids, occasional uncertainty and fears about having kids, and contentment if we never had kids, all of it woven with awareness of both grief and celebration in either case.
Plenty of women feel it differently. They’ve always wanted kids. Or they got married and wanted to have kids. Or some have never wanted kids. For me, it’s not that straight, and while I didn’t want my fears to rule, neither could I “fake it till I make it”. As I searched for voices that would resonate with mine, I found them hard to find. I've heard polarized versions certainly but not mine. So I’ve felt a bit of a compelling draw to see if I can articulate a few thoughts here in a way that describes my experience, creatively and maybe with a little humor confounds a few assumptions, helps illuminate something of the width of being God's in this world, and offers accompaniment for others. That oughta be easy enough, eh?
Jonathan remembers me talking early in our marriage about liking the idea of having 3 kids and he also remembers periods when I wasn’t sure I wanted to have kids. I’ve always felt that mix. Motherhood never felt like an imperative for me. I've never been one of those women who felt like I had to have kids, that it's what I "was made for". It wasn't something I was adamantly opposed to; but it also wasn't a centering point for me. I knew that even if I was a parent one day I couldn’t see finding my sense of self in my children. I felt the same way about marriage and still do. I wouldn't trade Jonathan for anything, I utterly adore him. But even as we are each transformed in our relationship, neither of us finds ourselves in the other. Being married with him is not who I am in terms of grounded identity. The same is how I see having kids. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. It changes a lot, but the essence of who I am is not defined by that. I turn to God for that.
But when I got married it seemed like kids were almost assumed. Why else would you get married? You might feel uncertainty around parenting but of course you’d have kids. And voicing something beyond that was almost heretical when it was really only disruptive. Truthfully, it really bothered me because those questions about motherhood don't usually start by asking about who you are; they start with wondering why you're not one, or when you'll become one, or don't you want to be one? At a party earlier this year Jonathan & I got into a conversation with a couple. The wife talked a lot about their sons, the husband his work. After a bit she asked us if we had kids. When we said no, the conversation literally stopped, I kid you not. It was pretty uncomfortable. I tried to fill the space for a moment or two with what we were involved in, but they were clearly done. Neither of them had anything left to say. It’s like parenthood becomes the central pin you’re identified around. Absent that, you’re almost nothing.
Both Jonathan and I have been blessed by people who do not have kids and who are committed to caring for others in ways they couldn’t if they were parents. I deeply admire and respect them. What about them? And what about people who can’t have kids? If having children is so key as to be assume-able, what’s being said about people if they are childless (I hate that word) in either case, by choice or by chance?
While we weren’t "neutral" on the topic of wanting kids, neither Jonathan nor I assumed we would be able to have kids. We certainly didn't marry with a plan around having children. In fact, our pre-marriage conversation about kids fell sometime in the final few weeks before we got married – it was fine to not know numbers and timing and have a plan, but I thought we at least needed to know if either of us definitely didn’t want kids. It went something like this:
Me: So we haven't really talked about kids, do we need to?
Him: I'm not sure.
Me: Do you know for sure that you don't want kids?
Him: No
Me: Ok
End of discussion.
Those of you who know me well might find the brevity of that surprising, but that's really all there was to it. It was similar to our pre-marriage discussions about finances, community involvement, retirement, cohabiting, career aspirations, vacations, vegetarianism (ok, not really) and other kinds of Big Things you’re supposed to talk about before the vows. And so we were married. And honestly, over the years "kids" really came up relatively little. We'd meet the topic here and there, and there remained unexplored questions, but neither of us expressed much urgency around it.
Because it’s who I am, I would check in every now and then to see what Jonathan was thinking. When he turned 40 he told me, "it's not that I'm dying to have kids right now but I don't want to turn 50 and regret never having tried." So we decided to try. For non-fertility related reasons, I'd been off birth control for several years and in that time had only one or two unexpected "I wonder if I'm pregnant" moments (I wasn't). For brief stretches during those years we tried getting pregnant but frankly being so focused on it really wasn't very fun, and I am not a good fertility tracker. Absent a compelling expression (like his directness when he turned 40), I was content sailing along in other streams. But he turned 40 and we got serious. And several months went by. I eventually signed us up for information sessions at two adoption agencies and a fertility clinic. We weren’t committed to adopting but it was an option and we wanted to explore it. I’d never felt like I had to be pregnant to have kids (although I have thought a pregnancy wardrobe would be fun – the clothes are cute!) but it was an option too so we explored it as well. The doctor at the clinic said, "here's what I think, here's what we'll do, and you won't be doing the same thing in a year." I loved her. For several reasons, we went that route instead of adoption. So I knew that in a year we'd know: we're either having kids or we aren't. That was over a year ago.
I have friends who've given birth, who've adopted, who've never done either, who don't want to, who would love to but are single and don't want to be single moms, who have given birth or adopted as single women, who’ve been through termination of a pregnancy, who’ve given children up for adoption, who've gone through multiple miscarriages and multiple failed adoptions. Women whose stories around having kids are full of fullfilment and others whose stories are full of pain. Many whose stories blend a lot of both.
As we started this process last fall I felt a genuine curiosity about how it would be for us. I didn't see it mostly as me becoming a mom, I saw it as us having a baby, and on a route that was familiar to us through many couples we know but experientially new for us. Some of it was as easy and blasé as brushing my teeth. And some of it was really, really hard. Emotionally draining. Physically uncomfortable. I got tired of tests and procedures. Very tired of it. Anxious about a few. Angry occasionally because it mattered to Jonathan too yet it fell to me to research procedures and schedule us for information sessions and appointment times and ultimately to put my body on the table. He had his moments too...babies require two people. There were times when I was ready to be done, when it felt like the damage to the soul was almost too much. Toward the middle of summer as we talked about it one day Jonathan said he'd rather be with me than have kids with someone else, which was sweet and good timing and something I knew, but which I grasped the truth of with both hands because there were times when I didn't know how much longer I could keep up. We didn't go as far as you could, but you can't undergo much around fertility treatment without some sense of being invaded.
The cycle of hope and disappointment can be devastating (for both men and women). That wasn't the hardest part for me. The hard part for me was the waiting, the staying in it. And in that staying and waiting, I carried my uncertainties and fears and my full-on openness. I tried not to leave anything behind. Staying in a process whose end was somewhat clear but ultimately would be defined by us. I didn't feel free to make commitments that might last more than 8-12 months, and that meant not doing a couple things I really wanted to do. Trying to figure out the balance between putting some things on hold and yet not putting ourselves on hold – the heart of that personhood/identity crux. Jonathan and I had decided where our limits were and that helped. We knew we'd try some things but not others. Some options simply felt more drastic than would meet their value to us. But in the meantime we were going through this process that I knew we'd set aside a year for but could actually last longer than that. Because you do enough cycles of everything and then at some point you decide you're done. Or you take a break and re-tool for the next step, if you want to take the next step. But even if you've paid your final bill from the clinic and deleted the medical assistant's phone number from your speed-dial, you know that unless a surgical procedure occurs there's always that off-chance of pregnancy and you wonder if you want to remain open to that possibility or if you'd rather just say "no" to it so you are free to say an unequivocal "yes" to other things. It's a bizarre place to be, and it was the part that brought me to tears and exhaustion.
I'm married to a fairly placid man, and I mean that in the kindest sense. He is sentimental and intuitive and cares deeply. He also doesn’t express things with much volume, and even less under pressure. It takes a lot of work to get him riled up enough that the more juicy bits come out. And I know...I've tried many times over the years to push him to that tipping point. At any rate, when he is ready to speak it’s always worth listening. While I knew we both cared and felt invested in the process, I came to know that Jonathan & I also felt that in different ways. It’s a little terrifying…the questions…“when will we know we’re done? and will we both know it at the same time? and what if we don’t?” I knew that the year-end would bring a very different kind of grief for him than for me if it meant we weren't having kids. We'd both feel it, but for different reasons. There's no way to prepare for that, it was just a reality I began tracking with. How to be together in our own ways.
A few of our family and close friends knew what we were in, and talking with them was usually good. I knew that I could carry everything to them and they wouldn't look at me like there was something wrong with me. Or I could not talk about it and they were ok with that.
One of the most gracious gifts came from my sister. Six and a half years ago she had their second baby. That summer when they were over for a weekend Mel and I sat in my sunny living room talking. I’ve always admired how after she had kids Mel was still so actively interested and inquiring about people and the world. I appreciate that about her deeply. That summer, we were both at transition points, her with another baby and me with a shift in commitments. From the outside it seemed like the perfect time to have a baby. But I acutely felt a desire to not have kids during that period. I struggled with how to describe my heart to her, my not knowing, my uncertainty. In the midst of it all, she said the most loving thing anyone had ever said to me about it: "Mindy," she said, "I think you'd be an amazing mom. But if you never have kids that's fine." Even though her words were what I knew to be true, I seriously felt like I’d been set free hearing her say them. My sister has three kids. She adores her children. I knew she’d adore mine. She loves being a mom and holds motherhood in very high regard. I knew that it was something she would enjoy doing together with me. And in that moment I also knew (again) that she loved me too.
Here's my bottom line: I think that life is basically about creating life, in all the many varied ways that happens. In the midst of everything, I always came back to that: what is it for me to create life right now? I felt like my constant prayer was “God, remind me who I am, who you are, and how that creates.” Because even if somewhere in this process something "worked" and we had a child, it would be fundamentally altering, and I would be bringing myself along. My heart, my soul, my energy, my living. However life goes, with or without children, creating is vast, a realm wherein we get to hear and experience the voice of God in our very selves and others. It’s a truly phenomenal thing to know that we matter that much! A few years back I revisited the question “what is the voice of God in my life?” I came to know that the voice of God is in my own voice, my own life, my own being. As it is in everyone’s. The person I am is completely and fully unique across all of place and history – no one, ever, has been exactly like me and never will be. The individual person that I am, that I was created to be, matters. Cosmically. As I play out in the world, whether with kids or primarily in other ways, an en-livening is possible. And THAT is stunning to me.
And that's what I wished was the dominant thread, the affirmation I wanted to hear. I know there are millions of women out there who say that they were made to be moms. And I can believe them, that they really do feel that way; but I also suspect that being a mom is like other meaning-ed undertakings in their life: it’s on the path to becoming who they’re made to be. That's not to say their motherhood is not fulfilling or enriching or transforming or grounding. It can be all that and more. And yet it's not enough. It'll never be enough. It'll be powerful and influential and pivotal. But if they had never been moms they wouldn't cease to be or make significance. They wouldn’t be less of a woman. Their story wouldn’t be over. I know because of my own life, and because of the millions of women out there who would desperately love having children but who aren't/can't, and are still vitally alive and creating in the world.
It's now December, with Christmas just a couple weeks away. We put up a Christmas tree last Saturday afternoon and hosted the neighborhood shindig on Sunday night. The year allocated to tests and procedures has ended. And since I know you’re wondering, I’ll tell you: we're expecting a baby in June! And all that comes with it. I am slow to excitement around most things in life, it’s not my immediate go-to response; but Jonathan was immediately on cloud nine and the whole thing is starting to become more real for both of us. And we are both deeply happy.
And I keep thinking about all the things I usually think about and am dreaming about some endeavors I want to undertake. I fully anticipate profound changes. A friend was over at the house recently & commented that "it's finally going to look like someone lives here!" You laugh at that being a profound change... Messier though it may become, I'm pretty sure I still won't like stuff strewn all over the place. (Except shoes....I'm good with shoes being everywhere. As long as they're cute shoes.) With all that and more, though, I'm also pretty sure my heart will remain drawn to the things God opens me to see in the world, and those will expand, simply because that's how life – and love – works. It’s grounding and it’s moving. There is always more to the story.
This baby that started growing a few months ago will forever be attached in some way to us but we are not the extent of its being. In fact, we are barely the beginning.
©2012 Mindy Danylak
